Why don’t teens talk to their parents?  Because they don’t think their parents will understand.  When they are constantly reprimanded or instructed, they may feel that a parent doesn’t care how they feel.  So silence for a teenager becomes a weapon.  It’s their way of saying, “you can’t control me anymore.”

But that doesn’t mean you need to spend the next few years in suspended animation.  It does mean you have to establish an atmosphere of trust, understanding and flexibility.

Parents who have a strained relationship with their adolescent children may do well to try these tips:

· Acknowledge and legitimize a teenagers feelings.  If your daughter tells you her best friend has remarked that her new outfit was awful, refrain from saying, “Why should  you care what Rhea says?” Teenagers are very much what their parents think, and the wise parents accept that as normal.  Try instead, “That must have made you feel terrible.  It hurts when people we care about say mean things.”
· As the right questions at the right time. If your son comes home from basketball practice, flings his backpack to the floor and goes upstairs to listen to music without a word, don’t march after him demanding, “What’s wrong with you?  Can’t you be civil?” That’s accusatory and too general.  Instead, “You seem very upset.  Did something happen at practice today?  How can I help?”  This way, you have not attacked him personally which will only serve to get him mad at you.
· Try not to take adolescent mood swings and silences personally. Often, a teenager may not be able to control how she is feeling, let alone understand why she is acting in a certain way.  If your daughter is upset because she doesn’t have a date for the prom and lashes out at you when you innocently ask her help in setting the dinner table, try to understand where this pain is coming from. While your immediate reaction may be to say, “How dare you talk to me that way!” contain your anger.  Although that doesn’t mean you have to tolerate constant rudeness. Say, “I know you’re upset about not having a date to the dance tonight.  I would be, too.  But in this house, it’s not OK to be rude.”  This way you are letting her know that you do understand – but still expect to be treated with respect.
· Don’t pump a recalcitrant teenager for information.  Let interactions develop slowly and naturally.  A sullen 16-year-old who slams the bedroom door on a parent but talks for two hours to her best friend who she met at Dunkin” Donuts that afternoon doesn’t need to be told, “ Well, you always find time to talk to your friends but never to us.” She may need time to work through a problem on her own or to assess whether her friends’ perceptions are the same as hers.  Furthermore, it’s perfectly normal for teens to shift their interest away from family and toward their friends.
· Resist the temptation to control.  If parents are too rigid, adolescents may stop asking for guidance.  The teen who feels his parents are always setting rules may rebel simply to prove that he is person in his own right. If your 16-year-old daughter wants to start dating involve her in the development of tolerance in the home.  Encourage conversation and discussion.
· Try not to lecture or criticize. If parents talked to their teenagers the way they talked to their friends, they’d have better communication.  Commands, lectures and judgements close lines of communication.
· Pay close attention and listen when they do talk. Stop what you’re doing, look your child in the eye and concentrate on what she’s saying without interrupting or suggesting quick alternatives. To be an effective listener, you have to allow your child to express his or her feelings honestly without fear of rebuke or rejection.
· Maintain family rituals as a way of staying in touch. Teenagers need to know that the family is still a place they can come home to refuel.  So continue to have a family dinner every night or visit relatives after church on Sunday, even if your teenagers sit there in silence or insist on wearing their most outlandish outfit.
· Encourage teens to develop relationships with other adults who love them and care about their growth, and try not be hurt when they do.  “The problem with my parents,” a 16-year-old told a psychiatrist, “is that they knew me when I was little.” It may be less threatening for a teenager to confide in an aunt, a grandparent, a teacher or even a friend’s mother and neighbor. Accept the fact that for the time being, this may be important to your son or daughter.  These other adults are acceptable to your teen precisely because they are not his parents.  Take comfort that, at least, they are talking to somebody.
· Be patient. Try to remember that this is the same child you cooed as a baby.  And they all grow up.

Published in the Weekender last August 25, 2002.